Saturday, June 1, 2013

The Ahockeylypse, or Glutton for Punishment

Friday night - evacuated from the arena to the underground parking structure before they canceled the game due to the tornadoes and flooding. Trapped in the leaking arena until they announced the reopening of the interstates.

Saturday night - home team was shut out decisively, and opponent evened the conference finals series.

Sunday afternoon - why would I return to the place of consecutive letdowns? I'll let you know when I get there.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Bean me up, Scotty

I imagine sales were really low during the first 60 years. You know, before the Internet really took off.

Friday, March 15, 2013


What possible message could three exclamation points convey that one cannot? It's not like we speak in punctuation. Why do some insist on writing in it as a substitute for their lack of interest?

Oh, you just got engaged. Rather than making the lengthy "Highlander" reference necessary to show you how excited I am for you, let me just cap off the "Congrats" text that took me three milliseconds to type with 48 exclamation points. That'll make up for the fact that I barely care.

At the very least, please turn off your group MMS setting before sending me big news. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

She loves me for me

If we were all the same, imagine how long the lines for the bathroom would be.

Thursday, February 7, 2013


Speaking of social media, isn't it tiresome how some people only use it to complain?

I'm developing a 140 character service dedicated just to people like that. I call it Bitter.

Why aren't you at your post?

Please tell me I'm not the only one nerdy enough to see this reference immediately from across the room.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

A warning to all who would buy LeapFrog products (as told by an email reply to customer service)

Thanks for responding. Unfortunately, the "remove device" function is located under the "general" tab and not the "advanced" tab as you stated. Also, once you remove the devices under settings the "OK" button does not highlight. That leaves me with only the option of clicking the "Cancel" button, which surely contributes to the perseverance of my four Tag Junior profiles and two My Pal Violet profiles (again, we only own one of each of these toys).

I even deleted the app, deleted my child from the account via your website, and deleted the connected toys from there. I reloaded the LeapFrog Connect application after this, and lo and behold the six profiles were still there. Childless. Staring. Mocking. Of course I tried all of this before contacting you, because I'm not computer illiterate as those who work for LeapFrog must be. It's a tough economy. I guess everyone's slacker nephew needs a job, even if it means making the jump from pizza delivery boy to software programmer in the same week. So now my question is twofold: "Should I sell these toys on Craigslist or Ebay?" and "How do I delete my parent account permanently?"

I guess I have a third question, too. Do you have the number to VTech? My kid has a few of their toys, and she has learned quite a bit from them. The only thing LeapFrog toys have taught her are the colorful expletives daddy uses when using your horrendous software.

I know this isn't your fault, Arjay F., but please pass my sincerest "f#%k you very much" to your superiors as high as it'll go. Those are the people I blame for the train wreck they call LeapFrog Connect. Everyone wants to adopt the Apple model of controlling every aspect of their customers' experience when using their products, but the product has to be intuitive and functional for everyone using them if this strategy is going to work. The toys are made FOR children, but it doesn't mean the software should be designed BY children.

Now if you'll just let me know how to delete my parent account so I can mentally sever myself from this experience, I'll show myself the door.