Say anything (else)

A good way to shake up the day is just to answer the automated questions we get all day honestly. Or better yet, untruthfully but completely absurdly. For instance, I have used three of the following already this morning. I'll leave it to you to guess which ones.

How are you today?
Better than my mom. She got her foot caught in a bear trap this morning.

Can I help you?
Probably not, but is your daddy home?
(Alternatve: Can you help me? No. I'm inept. You look like you understand what that's like.)

Is that a new shirt/blouse?
Yes. Wait until I show you the matching ascot.

Where are you?
Oh, I've been sitting outside in my car for an hour or so because the sound of your voice is turning me on today.

Big plans for the weekend?
No, but I'd love to. I'm up for whatever you want to do, casual acquaintance. Want to to see the new Joseph Gordon-Levitt movie tomorrow afternoon? I'll pick you up at your place at 2.

Will that be all for you today?
Yes. I feel complete for the first time in life.

Did you find everything you needed today?
Nope. I'm settling. Let's not pretend this is something more.

Have you found Jesus?
Oh my gosh, no. Did he get out again? You know, I don't care how big of a rock you block him with, he is always going to manage find a way out. Well, you might as well get in here and help me. I'll check the kitchen. You start with the couch cushions.

Also, never pass up an opportunity to make a Scott Bakula reference, especially when a guy describes himself as a "man of enterprise."