Friday night - evacuated from the arena to the underground parking structure before they canceled the game due to the tornadoes and flooding. Trapped in the leaking arena until they announced the reopening of the interstates.
I imagine sales were really low during the first 60 years. You know, before the Internet really took off.
What possible message could three exclamation points convey that one cannot? It's not like we speak in punctuation. Why do some insist on writing in it as a substitute for their lack of interest?
Oh, you just got engaged. Rather than making the lengthy "Highlander" reference necessary to show you how excited I am for you, let me just cap off the "Congrats" text that took me three milliseconds to type with 48 exclamation points. That'll make up for the fact that I barely care.
At the very least, please turn off your group MMS setting before sending me big news. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Speaking of social media, isn't it tiresome how some people only use it to complain?
I'm developing a 140 character service dedicated just to people like that. I call it Bitter.
Please tell me I'm not the only one nerdy enough to see this reference immediately from across the room.
One of the benefits of working in loose connection with family is the ability to get honest assessments. Some people are too afraid of their own opinions to give a true answer to a question while others take pride in their ability to lambaste everything presented to them, whether they are genuine.
Thus, it is nice to confirm that one of my key personnel is as bad at her job as I thought. Glad I wasn't missing anything. Not that it matters, because she and the supervisor have a whole Super Single Moms Club thing going. So what's the point in reaffirming this belief? Now I know to leave her out of the process until there is something trivial to handle.
At the beginning of each of the last three years, I track my progress over the last decade. What makes sense now? What has remained embarrassingly the same?
This kind of introspection takes well documented records of what mattered to 18 year old me beyond the obvious matters of importance to all boys that age. A daunting task complicated by the lack of a journal resulting from the arrogance of a once unfailing memory and the dissolution of a letter writing culture. By that age our parents had ceased the video documentary attempts, and who has time to scrapbook honestly? I can, however, rely on the 13-year-old archive hidden within my first personal email account.
Going back a decade the first two years wasn't surprising. Of course nothing from when I was 16 or 17 had any real bearing on my future exploits. It was like reading the correspondence of a stranger. I'd even forgotten most of the other people in those conversations. Based on my language, it seemed I was even aware then how useless my activities would be in the long run. I was just biding my time until I could leave.
Notsomuch this year. I found a hinge. It was a period of time that swung me in a completely new direction. Funny how we don't forget with our best attempts and lose so much without trying.
This must be what Christmas trees look like in the Southern Hemisphere.
For all of us who have ever thought there just aren't enough park benches in bathrooms
Here is the transcript from a weeklong text conversation regarding all the bad things we blame on kids. Each line includes a text message with our three offerings:
Sickness. Poverty. Divorce.
Slavery. Murder. Arsen.
Racism. War. Taxes.
Ryan Seacrest
Death. Reading. Bieber
Car wrecks. Cirque du soleil. Skinny jeans.
Credit cards. Fast food. Half finished sente....
Pantylines. RSVPs. Cup stacking.
Fruit with seeds. Short hair on women. Stds
College textbooks. Scrubs for female nurses. HOV lane gridlock.
Wnba. Sugar free anything. Toe socks
Brown mustard. Size 0. Frenemies.
Cleveland sports teams. Off brand toilet paper. Sequels
Half siblings. Egyptian cotton. Men's bikini briefs
Unproven theories. Handicapped parking.
Unleaded premium. The fiscal cliff. CSI Miami.
Splinters. Letterman. Spiders
Earbuds. Paper cuts. Pet insurance.
Hangnails. Tattoo removal. Cruise control
Fragrant hand sanitizer. Smallpox. Hipsters.
Flat sodas. Mole hair. No solid proof of bigfoot
The silverdome. Airline food. Drivers from Texas.
Drivers from Louisiana. The wii. Boost mobile
Lost classics. Small billed fedoras. Backne.
Pre approved credit cards. Dry clean only clothes. School zones
The ACLU. Coffee houses. The TEA party
Naacp. Heroin. Non alcoholic beer
Haircuts. Elmo. Low carb pita bread
Shaving. Penis enlargement pills. Store bought chinese food
Conference calls. Sales reports. Network executives
Pulled muscles. Sinus problems. Living expenses
Bumper stickers. Expiration dates. Shirt tags
Loose change in your shoe. Commercials. Christmas songs
Carb counting. Landscape design. 3d ultrasounds
Puzzles. Alphabet. Greek mythology
Communism. Missing teeth. Facebook.
Barney. Gas prices. Tofu
Arab spring. Typhoid. Cattle rustling.
Apple bottom jeans. Boots with fur. Maury
Monogamy. Celibacy. Adultery.
Chicken pox. Shipping boxes. Gaining street cred.
Skin care kiosks. Predator drones. Losing street cred.
Oil changes. Oatmeal. Sweet potatoes
Carbon copies. Surge protectors. The second die hard movie
Assissting the elderly. Over tipping. Being under tipped
Instagram. Morning radio. Antisemitism.
Diesel trucks. Flap jacks. Waiting
Jazzercise. Bmx as an Olympic sport. The Star Wars prequels.
Chinese drivers. Backsplash while pooping. Walking dead writers
DVD extras. Reserve police officers. The demise of super soakers.
Final season of scrubs. Crabs. Nickelback
Water fountains with low flow. Patent leather. Environmental terrorism.
Non whitening toothpaste. Squirty dumplings. When shampoo and conditioner are separated
Manscaping. Other lip balm than chap stik. Hick hop music.
Mini coopers. Hamburger helper. Waiting tables
19th century American literature. Quadratic equations. Pants hangers.
Dental floss. Chivalry. Yippy dogs
Bean bag chairs. Teflon. The last tissue.
Cowboy hats. Dull pencils. Lazy eyes
Friends who leave Xbox parties. Rape. Shopping carts.
Girls who are a tease. Pogo sticks. Douches
My multiplayer performance. Catfish that isn't fried. Ziplines
Clunky game movement. Sea turtles. Skeletons
Freeze dried yogurt. The roger Moore bond films. Hawaiian print
Non dairy creamer. Lizards without tails. Customer service
Poison ivy. Cuticles. Breakfast anywhere but Tiffany's.
Distant relatives. Subbed toes. The wave at sporting events
Candy stripers. Funnel cakes without powder sugar. Parcheesi.
Old people driving. Chickens crossing roads. Delivery charges
Burnt hibachi food. Wives on hunting trips. The smoky mountains.
I love ny shirts. Freshmen winning the heisman. Food not cooked thoroughly
Chain sneezing. Puréed alternatives. Octagons
Mistaking dog food for people food. Hot air balloons. The color orange
Twins. Tv personalities. Bpa
Knock knock jokes. Saints fans. Cold weather
Canned chili. Bassoon players. Repeat offenders playing for the Cowboys.
Friends going after another friends team. Friends trying to hurt another friends feelings. Friends succeeding in hurting another friends feelings
Friends who read into things too personally. Overlooking the most recent incident in favor of making the Chiefs reference. Flan.
Small dogs. Directv. Neighbors
People who can't find north. The smell of a heater that hasn't kicked on in months. Brown belt with black shoes.
Only bathroom being upstairs. Know it alls. Scary movies that arent scary
Deadlifts. The last Oreo. Hydroplaning.
Athletes foot. Shrinkage. Irritated pimples
Hubcaps that are hard to steal. Irreverent reverends. Kids in theaters.
Politcians. Debt collectors. Deflated balloons
Broken taillights. Overuse of the word epic. CD packaging
Underuse of the word epic. Driving in heavy rain. Stink bugs
Saying OMG out loud. Spanglish. Good liquor stores in bad neighborhoods.
Living next to a fir station. Girls calling me dude. Banana hammocks
People who think gay is the new black. Burnt out stoplights. Deep vein thrombosis.
Price of ipads. Waiting all day for monday night. Full fridge with nothing to eat
First world problems. Malaria. The port authority.
Christmas in july. Olive garden commercials. Poodles
Bromance. The smell of latex dentist gloves. Kal penn.
The taste of dentists gloves. Ivy league colleges. Tv series that run too long
Encouraging rear end slaps. Birthing classes. Bubble letters.
Lazy days. Walking dogs. Dinosaurs being extinct
Tinsel. Spit cups. The ACT
60 minutes. French arrogance. Country hicks
Dating your therapist. Polluted marshes. Piñatas.
Being on the most wanted list. Forgetting your age. Writing cursive
Getting locked in the bathroom. Armoires. Globes too small to use.
Low scoring football games. When bitches be trippin. Jon gruden
America's obsession with football. Registering. Boogie fever.
Jealous nhl fans cause their sport is suspended. Mad cow disease. Outsourcing
The mucus plug. Not being able to get season tickets to a farm team for the major league of your favorite sport bc it doesn't exist bc the financial demands of it would cause it to collapse upon itself so in the event of a lockout you're stuck with some crappy collegiate alternative where the top 300 teams get a trophy of some kind instead of getting to see top major players set aside their ego just for a chance to play even if it is in the league just below their and then finding that even that level is a challenge for them. Furby.
It's always fun remembering the pranks you pulled on an obnoxious coworker with the help of a friend. Better when you can continue to do so from across the country.
4,000 calorie diets are for the birds. If those birds were gluttonous one percenters who could actually afford to eat like this all the time.
If there was more justice in the world, meat would have more fiber in it.
New phone. New era. Same old rambling. There'll just be more of it. Aaaaaannnnddd ... brace.
The good thing about this job is that there are only about five key phrases you need to memorize to connect with all of your potential clients/marks. They are creatures of habit, and all are built the same. At least in this area they are.
And if all else fails, break out the James Stewart impression.
It's that beautiful time of year when the fun happens in the dark.
It's bearable to stand around outside, so let's get a grill.
When the sun starts ducking behind the skyline early, the holiday smells start rising all about us.
And it's a good time to remember to put some reflective tape on your motorcycle helmet, because there's no way to ride it all the way home before dark most days.
How to nail the interview when trying to secure a place as a gymnastics or boxing judge for the Olympics:
-Selection committee: Do you have any previous professional experience scoring these types of events?
-Candidate: No, but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night.
-Selection committee: Welcome to the ranks.
Alternate answer as follows:
-Candidate: No, but I did save 15 percent on my car insurance by switching to Geico.
Once again, cash is king. The U.S. must not have had as much on hand, however, because they were only able to buy a bronze in the individual balance beam competition.
